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Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[first person to dance] whatâs happening to my extremities
asked my bf how work was today
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Moses: đ¶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people freeđ¶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? Weâre literally being chased
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell âWHY CANâT YOU DRIVEâ through their speakers
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
âUgh you never let me get ANYTHING!â
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Someone should tell the Twitter ads Iâm getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”