Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
You Might Also Like
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
do what now??
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Born to be mild.