[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
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Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
no!! no!!!!!!
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I really had high hopes for this year though
