its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
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1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
🤔😂😂
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Facebook memories be like
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.