Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
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Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
sin harder.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is