Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
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If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
The French cow says MEUX…
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.