daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
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domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu