“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”