I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
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The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Put the is in disheveled
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ