Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
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My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Animal poetry
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
*launders Kohls cash*
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people