my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
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The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.