I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
You Might Also Like
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things