I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
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If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Hey I worked for it too!
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?