I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]