Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

If you love someone, let them tweet.

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

One of the best

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

quarantine day 3

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?