I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
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I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Just why bro?!
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Jail
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk