You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
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Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
At least my masseuse has my back.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness