My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
You Might Also Like
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
pep talk
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood