We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
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“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
getting corrected