Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
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A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.