Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
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I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
me hooking up with my ex
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery