WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
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My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!