Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

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Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus


Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.


(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”



Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*


You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…


Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?

Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.


Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.


Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on


Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.