@PhilJamesson

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

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@foodfacenow

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

@un_d_ciphered

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

@Coolisiana

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

@CAshmanActor

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

@TheBoydP

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?

Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.

@Havish_AF

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

@Smooheed

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

@aveuaskew

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.