ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
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I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no