Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

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Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?


I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.


I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.


The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.


*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*


The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.


Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.


You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”


Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.