Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
![]()
You Might Also Like
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store