“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
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When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.