@KrazykurtKurt

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

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@Inferno_V

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

@Jmboyd58

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

@rorygneesmith

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

@velvettusk

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

@tchrquotes

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

@SheMightHave

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

@Gupton68

My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.

@IchBins_SN

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

@fluffysuse

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.