@KrazykurtKurt

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

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@carlyken

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

@FattMernandez

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

@The_Sculptress

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

@shamanhealer

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

@cortronic

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

@Cheeseboy22

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

@Try2StopME

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

@leechee420

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.