Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod