this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
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If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?