Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
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My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
fourth time’s the charm
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
calling in to work dehydrated
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.