If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E