Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be