If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
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Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…