If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
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Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Somebody’s lying.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Fiction has to make sense.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse