Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t