Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
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if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?