I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
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ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”