I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
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I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex