“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
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When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
handsome & gretel
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
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