My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
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asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
new career option?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?