Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
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GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats