Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
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We need to put an American base on the sun
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I saw nothing
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow