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At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.