“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
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Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
mathematically impossible
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
It’s a gift
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]