I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
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My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.