I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
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When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Matt Goss
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.