I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
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My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill