That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
You Might Also Like
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
😭😭😭
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
These aliens are taking forever.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?