The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
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Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Noah was an idiot.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded