DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.