I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
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[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Meth is short for Elizameth.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?