If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
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Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Not my job 😂
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy