Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
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In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
courtroom exchange of the day
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
If you know, you know
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
“Sheer Arrogance”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.