me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
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sigh
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Godspeed, John Glenn
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.