Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
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Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]