Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
Thank god he is good looking.
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I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
A work from home email:
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Manager of House Operations