My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
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When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk