[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
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A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I’m not alone. I have ants.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.