My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
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Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”